Keeping it real and learning God will provide

     We had a nice time away at the beach with James' family last week.  This marked the end of the things I had planned for the summer.  After a few days of recovering and letting the dust settle I began to think ahead to the fall.  In about 3 months the Lord willing we will deliver our two baby boys.  I began to consider things to prepare for their arrival.  It hit me why I have been putting things off.  Last time we were preparing for twins we joyously prepared for their arrival.  Then, out of no where tragedy struck and one of them was lost.  I realized I've been struggling to emotionally embrace this process of preparation because I know in the back of my mind that it might not turn out how we hope.  I can still feel the pain of the loss of Henry.  As I began to consider preparations a flood of memories of the shock and loss came I just let the tears fall.  This pregnancy is going well.  There is no reason to think that it won't go well.  At the same time twin pregnancies can have more complications.  It's hard to walk these months knowing this while also trying to trust it will go well.  I believe God will be with us no matter what.  I pray for healthy pregnancy and safe delivery.  Yet ultimately I know it is all in God's hands.  And that's where I must leave it.  Yesterday there was a sweet song playing on the radio by Casting Crowns called "Scars in Heaven."  As I stopped and listened to the chorus it reminded me once again that while there is trouble and hardship here on earth, one day in heaven everything will be made right.  As I listened I asked God once again to hug Henry for me and let the tears fall.  One day we will be in a place where everything is healed and restored.  

The chorus goes:

"The only scars in heaven, they won’t belong to me and you.  There'll be no such thing as broken and all the old will be made new.  And the thought that makes me smile now even as the tears fall down.  Is that the only scars in heaven are on the Hands that hold you now." 

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCdevloDE6E) 

    In May a friend challenged me to write down five things I'm thankful for each day.  Today I was reminded that God provided in the past.  Practicing thankfulness reminded me of his provision.  I am confident He will provide in the future.  He will provide each day.  When we get to delivery day God will give us strength.  Whether there's complications or all goes as planned He will be there.  God will provide as we learn to adjust to caring for two babies and a toddler.  God will provide when I feel overwhelmed.  There are many unknowns ahead. Anticipating caring for twins sometimes feels so overwhelming.  I wonder how we will make it.  Again I must remember that God will give us strength and provide in those moments.  Preparations are important but in then end it all boils down to trust.  Who am I trusting in?  Am I putting my confidence in myself and my limited abilities or in God?