Back to work

Yesterday I flew back in country after being away for training and vacation time with my family.  It was a much needed break.

    As I reflect on the last 17 months in Peja, I realize a series of lessons God has been teaching me.  When I first came here, I was eager to get started into the work.  I worked long hours and invested much.  God began to teach me about what the meaning of "success" is in this field.  I had just come from a very demanding work setting where we would put on education programs in a camp setting.  We saw hundreds of students come and go.  We saw our work goals accomplished in a matter of days.  We wanted to teach children about the outdoors, teamwork, and help them face their fears on our high ropes course.  It was a very fast-paced job.  I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment as we waved good-bye to each group of smiling faces.  It really felt that a lot of good things were happening and I was apart of it.  When I come to Peja, there were a lot of very different things I was faced with.  First the pace of life is quite a bit slower.  Second, our work really depends on long-term relationships.  Third, many times the things you set out to do, take twice or three times as long because of the way the system of things is set up here.  (For example, just trying to pay a bill can sometimes turn into a multiple day endeavor because someone is not there or the electricity went out, etc).  So I have learned that developing long-term relationships takes a lot of unstructured time.  It takes investment sharing ones personal life on a deeper level.  It takes a lot of patience.  I realized that in this work, our work does not always have a visible and measurable short-term "success."  Instead, we are called to be faithful in sharing the message of Good News.  We are called to be faithful to learn a very challenging language.  We are called to be faithful in sharing God's love without it being reciprocated during the season that you are giving.  It is simply a tough job.  However, with the trials, also comes joy.  We learn to go through suffering well and persevere.  We learn to change our focus from "results" onto learning to love people and love God more deeply.  We learn to deny our sinful self-centeredness and live for God.  It's a process.  At times it feels like death.  At other times, I feel like I've never been more alive.

    In the midst of the past year and a half, God also allowed some uncontrollable experiences to bring me face-to-face with issues of the heart.  The day I first arrived here back in 2014, my dad was diagnosed with cancer.  Through the process of chemo and major surgery, I was in a time of mourning at the thought that I could lose him.  In addition to other things, God used the painful grief to test my faith and trust in Him.  The first six months of this process of grief, I realized that I didn't fully trust God.  I didn't want to let go of my dad.  He is very dear to me.  It seemed unfair and unthinkable that God would just "take him" from me if it was His will.  It seemed cruel.  I couldn't see any good reason why He would do this.  However, grief has a way of clouding our perspective.  I forgot a lot about God's goodness.  Up to that point I had seen God's goodness shown in so many good ways.  He had provided for me and led me faithfully step-by-step.  I forgot how God can use very difficult things for ultimate good.  I forgot about how God uses suffering for good.  In the middle of pain, it's hard to see good.  However, if you learn to go through the pain and learn to trust in the midst of it, at the end and later on, you reap such a great reward in the next season of joy.  If you learn to face pain with courage and trust, God can use it to strengthen and shape you in so many good ways (see Rom 5:3-5).

     In the midst of the painful experiences of uncertainty about my dad coupled with the challenges of life in a new country, language learning, and working in an isolated place, God gently showed me some areas where I did not trust Him.  Although I am His child, for months I lived with a huge wall between me and Him.  There was simply areas of my life where I did not trust Him.  It's like I kept Him at a distance.  There were times when I would sense Him drawing me close and for a little while tried to turn to Him.  Then, something would come and I'd go back again to where I was. . .lonely, empty, disappointed, confused, and at times in despair.  However, by His grace, I didn't give up my faith completely.  He held my hand, even when I tried to walk away.  He continued to gently whisper words of hope an love through His word and through fellow followers of His.

    In the midst of this, I was learning lessons about serving.  I observed Pam's example of serving selflessly and investing over the long months.  She kept reaching out; kept loving people; and kept moving even when the obstacles seemed insurmountable.  As I served alongside her, I wanted to give up, but, people encouraged me to keep going.  As I kept putting one foot in front of the other, something began to change.  My fellow laborer kept talking to me about thankfulness.  We are called to give thanks in everything.  This was something that God started to teach me years ago but I needed to be reminded of it again.  I learned to give thanks for good things, even during hard times.  And eventually my heart changed.  I found a great treasure of how to be content and have joy, even when things around you are hard.

    For several months, through God's Word and other people, I have noticed how important pr/yer is.  Sometimes it's been difficult to stay faithful in pr/yer.  However, it is been something God has been building into my life.  While I was home on break, my pr/yers have been on the theme of surrender.  I have felt the need to surrender to God in specific areas of my life, especially in the area of singleness.  I want to get married someday (hopefully sooner than later).  However, I have not been given that opportunity.  I have learned to serve God through many and various ways.  And unknowingly I had started to assume that if I just "served God" that He would just somehow bring me a husband.  (Almost like, "I deserved it" or something.  However, I never would have actually said it that way.)  Recently I realized my faulty thinking.  People like to quote me the verse that says "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desire of your heart"  (Psalm 37:4).  I believe this verse is true.  In context though this is not a sure-fire promise for a husband.  In fact this verse is in the context of many good promises.  (Check it out, it's an encouraging Psalm).

    Recently, I have realized that ultimately I will only be satisfied if I love and serve God wherever he desires, doing whatever He wants, and for however long He wants.  So, this has been my pr/yer for Him to use me and to be glorified whatever comes.  My two-year commitment here is coming to an end in the summer.  I will not try and "imagine" what the next season of life holds.  Will He ask me to continue here?  Will He direct me to another place?  Will He bring a young man into my life?  I don't know.  However, I do know that in my Father God I am secure.  My life is held firmly in His strong, gentle hands.  I know that what God has in store is good because He is good.  And meanwhile He has given me a lot of good things to do  :-)  So I'm diving in!!!