What do you do when. . .your expectations were way off?

    Recently I have been challenged to consider expectations.  According to dictionary.com to expect means: "to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or coming of"

    Expectations are natural.  It is wise to have healthy exceptions in order to be prepared.  However, if our expectations are unrealistic, then we are in for surprises or worse yet disappointments.

    My journey to this field has been a long one.  As a child I dreamed of what life on the "m" field would be like hearing my grandparents and parents tell stories from their time in Africa.  Then, as I came to know Jesus as my Savior it brought such hope into my heart that I wanted to share it with everyone.  I especially wanted those who didn't have opportunity to hear about it, to be able to hear the good news.  My young passion to share was reflected in faithfully praying for my softball teammates every season and looking for opportunities to share God's love with them.  Later it was reflected in serving passionately at various camps starting from the age of 16.  My service was whole-hearted, faithful, and passionate.  I served as if I was serving God -- as if He was the one who was "supervising" my work.  I genuinely wanted to please Him through my work. (I do not say this to boast but instead just to reflect on the past).

    Six camps and many years later, I was given the opportunity to serve in SE Europe for the summer of 2011.  It was an amazing experience.  It gave me the opportunity to use so many things that God had gifted me with to serve Him and be apart of a team who's work directly spread the good news to the unreached.  I felt like this was it! . . .What I was suppose to do.  . . .The next step that I was to take in life.  At the end of that summer, I still had some conflicts about if this was "his call" on my life, but, in the end I decided to pursue it and let God lead along the journey.

   It was a long journey of applications, beginning support development, working camp jobs, facing disappointment from a "potential relationship," and hearing mixed reports of what was happening on the field.  Finally, the decision was reached to go back for the summer of 2013 and ask God to lead through it.  That summer I learned a lot as I served but at the end of my time I was not convinced that I should return.  So, I returned home and then got a job at a camp in Wisconsin.  In Wisconsin I worked teaching Outdoor Education and facilitating teambuilding on high and low ropes course.  It was a good job and I enjoyed working alongside my co-workers and fellow facilitators!

   Half way through my time in Wisconsin, the opportunity opened up to return to SE Europe and this time for 2 years.  As I considered, prayed, thought about this, it seemed that this was the "next step."  God had provided what was needed to come.  So, I "jumped in" with many steps of faith along the way.  It involved putting potential relationships "on hold" for a while.  That was a hard sacrifice to make.  Yet I believed God would work and give me the grace to press on.

    With bittersweet good-byes I wrapped up my life in Wisconsin and then in Alabama and boarded a plane for service in SE Europe.  I was heading into a situation that I was fairly familiar with and yet this time it was different.  I had faced a lot of challenges before coming here and I knew that life would not be easy living here.  However, I was not prepared to hear the news that came while I was waiting for my last flight here.  My dad had cancer.  The news rocked my world.  The next four months of uncertainty were mixed with tears and evidences of God's grace through friends, teammates, and His strength to face each day.

    Meanwhile I also "hit the ground running" as we had weeks of summer camp and I trained interns to lead our ropes activities and lead groups on rock climbing and team-building.  Mixed into that I was reconnecting with friends and meeting new people -- here and short-termers.  It required much flexibility and grace to balance the investment it takes to interact with so many different people.  Yet God, provided what was needed.  Even through my heart was heavy with a type of "mourning" mixed with hope.  It was hard to describe what I was feeling as each day I wondered what would happen to my dad.  I learned so much about life during this time and how much I loved my dad.  I couldn't imagine life without him. 

    There were days where I just could not seem to process the emotions and grief and eventually many tears came.  Yet, even though I cried alone in my apartment, I know there was One who saw me.  I didn't know how to welcome Him into my sorrow.  There were moments when I sensed His presence, yet most of my days, I felt like a distance between us.  I was scared to face my heart.  It seemed that I had to trust Him even if He took my dad and I didn't know if I could.  Yet, in the end all I could do was keep choosing to trust and choosing to take the next step and do what was right.  Thankfully in the end, God did not take my dad.  He healed him instead.  Yet, there was still physical scares from his surgery that he has to live with now.  Life is not easy.  It can many times be painful.  Yet God never promised us that life would be easy and pain-free.  In fact he tells us that there will be trouble here.  But he commands us to "take heart" because He has overcome.  In fact John 14:1,27 gave comfort.  Twice we are commanded to "not let our hearts be troubled" but to trust and not to be afraid.

    Meanwhile I started full-time language study in the first week of September.  Except for about 3 weeks where it was less (and a break at Christmas), for the next 6 months, I logged 30 hours of language study.  It was quite a journey to began to uncover the mysterious code of Albanian grammar.  (Even Albanians admit their language grammar is difficult.)  In February, I realized I had gotten a good "base" in standard Albanian grammar.  However, then I realized how tough the dialect was to pick up.  In the dialect here, there are numerous nouns that are completely different from the standard Albanian.  The way that verbs are formed in past and future tense is also very different.  It felt like if I was going to be able communicate I would have to began memorizing a lot more information.  This seemed pretty overwhelming to my already tired brain.

   We had a team of young students from California come and serve short-term with us.  They did a great job helping us with the work.  They also came at one of the toughest times of the year -- the middle of January.  We had to make wood-stove fires every day, just to survive the extreme cold of cement houses in the winter.  While they were here, they connected with a lot of the young ladies in our area. It was great to be able to meet them and get to know the team.  Afterward, we needed a little time to "recuperate" after the "busyness" of caring for the team and doing extra min. events/activities. 

    Then, after they left, one young lady I had started to befriended made a serious decision that brought huge consequences to her family.  It was heart-wrenching to watch her suffering and yet not have enough words to speak and share with her.  I used the words I knew but I felt crippled by the language barrier that separated us.  I began to question, why this was happening.  As I grieved with her and felt the pain of loss, I began to question what we could have done to help her.  How she got to this point.  It was just so difficult to understand.  When I came to "serve" as a worker here, I was not prepared for this.  I prayed hard.  I cried.  I looked for ways to share His Word.  Yet I felt like my efforts were meager at best.  I began to question if I really could help at all.  (I was thankful that a local p/stor and his wife were able to travel from a neighboring country and meet with her).  Yet, it was so hard to watch what was happening and not have a way of really helping.

    After that, having been studying mercilessly for months, I finally realized how tired I was mentally and emotionally.  It was like I "hit a wall" in language classes and study.  I realized I needed to change up my schedule a bit. During last month (March) I was sick for a few weeks but still went to classes and studied.  I met with my team leaders and we decided a change of schedule would be good.
     Then, before I knew it April came and I house-sat for about 2 weeks at a friends house.  That provided much opportunity for exercise as I walked dogs twice a day and biked up and down the hill when I went into town each day.  While up there, I got to "slow down my schedule" a bit.  I tried to just take things a day at a time.  I tried to find some refreshment.  Yet still there was a lot to process.  One friend has challenged me to "be thankful" and count my blessings.  I have been trying to do this.  Yet, it does not completely help answer these questions that nag my thinking at times.  Questions have to be dealt with and it's important to work through things and not just ignore problems.  So, my days are still a mix.
    MWF I have classes and homework.  Thursdays I teach violin.  On the weekend, I help Pam with girls' group and Sunday lead music at our evening gathering.  These are the "regular" things that go on in a week.   In addition there are always different spontaneous happenings. . .like opportunities to go on a visit or going up to camp or a last minute team gatherings (which are starting to fall into a rhythm) or people to meet here or there.  

   As I reflect on this past year, it has probably been one of the loneliest years of my life due to living in another country, the confines of language learning, the heart-wrenching experiences with my dad, and the heart-aching disappointment of "potential relationships" being cut off by my being here.  It has also been one of the most life-shaking years.  When God allows our lives to be shaken by experiences, it reveals things in our lives -- the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I didn't realize how much I have the capacity to be so completely selfish and self-centered.  I didn't realize how much I can be so critical and hard-headed.  And on a lighter note, I didn't realize how American I am.  I love America and being an American (living in another will do that do you).
 
    I also have been learning things in my walk with the Lord.  God is a gentleman.  He will not insist on His own way.  He waits for us to acknowledge Him and ask for help.  Then, He maintains His identity.  He is God.  He is in control.  He will do things in His time.  We cannot insist He do things on our timetable.  Although He is amazingly full of grace and love towards us, He does not "spoil" His children.  He disciplines us and requires that we wait for things we want.  It's for our own good.  Even if at the time, we think He's not being good because He withholds the very thing we think will make us happy.  (Wow, it's ironic how much we can act like a 3 year old sometimes).  He is a good Father.  He will provide what we need and give us good things, in His timing.  He does all things ultimately for good.  So, trust is hugely important to Him.  If we don't trust Him, we won't be able to relate to Him well.  If we are constantly questioning Him or complaining or questioning His motives, we cannot experience the love He wants to pour out on us. 

    So, I guess now I see it. . .there is an invitation before me (and all of us).  Whoever comes to Him we must come with faith (Heb 11:6).  It's not "work that He requires" instead it's just an attitude of trust and leaning on Him -- that's what He requires for us to come to Him.  Faith opens the door of our hearts allowing His love in; allowing His peace to dwell inside; and giving us hope beyond the things of this world. 

   This post was a bit long.  However, writing helps me process things.  So it has been helpful and I hope it may encourage someone out there reading it.  Life is crazy at times.  Yet the One in control of it is inviting us to an even wilder adventure of trusting Him.  If we trust we can walk beside Him through it. Instead of trying to figure it all out on our own, we can walk through it with Him.  He gives each of us this choice.